The Semi-Adventures of a Nomadic Mathematician Rotating Header Image

Permanent Clothing Crisis

In the twenty-first century, men are not allowed to purchase or own decent clothes. If sustainability and half-decent look are on your list of priorities, just change your gender now. The world of clothing is ruled by feminist fashion fascists.

The requirement for sustainability has severe implications. One of them is that the item must be vegan. Furthermore, cotton is unspeakable horror that all thinking humans should avoid. The damage cotton production does to the planet is grossly underrated. Cotton-free vegan clothing items are the target, and I would prefer if they would withstand the scrutiny of the gender I prefer to launch romantic enterprises with —  women.

These very same women have an unbounded set of options that fit the bill. They have a range of fabrics to choose from: bamboo, tencil, modal and god only knows what other awesome stuff they make from plant origin. While not vegan, I consider silk sustainable, so I add that to the list of acceptable fabrics. Let those little worms boil alive. Silk opens the way to satin and velvet. All of these fabrics are available for women in any given department store around the world.

Unknown woman wearing sustainable clothes

I bet her clothes are all from sustainable sources.

Walk over to the men’s department. The reality of men’s clothing is sordid. You will encounter two kinds of products: one that proudly advertises 100% cotton, and the other type which is an abhorrent blend of plastics. Linen, bamboo, hemp, tencil, modal — forget this stuff. If you are a man, the feminist fashion fascists will force you to wear cotton and feel terrible about yourself. My task is made even harder by having a body mass index below twenty. If size small fits without too much extra fabric flapping around, I consider myself lucky.

We are not even talking about practical issues here, like why pants do not have hidden pockets to make them safer to stow valuables in. I only require the damned thing to be comfortable to wear, looking okay-ish, and being produced without destroying nature or relying on slave labour. If practicality is an another factor to consider, I might as well make a rope of silk panties, and hang myself from a tree after hugging it.

Buying a pair of pants takes months for me. Even if I give up and compromise with cotton, most jeans have a leather label sewn on them. The ones with plastic labels look like something truck drivers would wear on non-special occasions.

Formal shirts are never made of anything else than planet-destroying horror cotton from hell. Quality varies so much it is hard to believe it is the same fabric: compare a double-threaded Egyptian cotton fabric that is coated with ironing-enhancing compounds to a single-threaded shirt that sells for twenty dollars and smells bad even before you put it on. Yet, cotton is cotton, no matter what you do with it. There are reasons to why a shirt cannot be made from bamboo. Bamboo is too soft, no matter how you treat it, it will never have the same structure as an upper-scale cotton shirt. Linen, however, is perfect for shirts. You have to devote a disproportionate amount of time to find a store that sells linen shirts.

Naked hens

These women do not have to wear cotton either.

Most shoes are ruled out, and even if the shoes are not leather, the glue probably still contains remnants of deceased animals. I am not a hippy, I do not want to wear plastic sandals. The challenge of finding shoes that do not look ridiculous yet that are vegan is an impossible undertaking.

Underwear is the only area where I might be in luck. Bamboo, tencil and modal are sometimes available, if I look hard enough. Socks can be a tougher challenge to buy. If you see a stash of bamboo socks, buy a heap — their lifetime is limited, as bamboo is a soft fabric.

The reduction of the rate of consumption is essential in maintaining my sanity. This is why I prefer to pay a premium, but get items that last longer. This way I reduce the effort spent on finding suitable clothes. In contrast, in the world of cotton, clothes were meant to be disposable. Wear a cotton T-shirt once, and its fabric will be out of shape after a single washing.

Enslaved men

The gentlemen in this picture are slaves to cotton. Their garments are not vegan either.

My clothing crisis is permanent. No matter which part of the world I live in, clothes meeting the parameters are simply not made. A key element of the suppression of men in contemporary matriarchal societies is the enslavement of men to cotton and to other obnoxious fabrics. The day we overcome this will be the day of masculine emancipation. The koteka is the only way to go.

PS: Today I got a pair of undies made of soy protein that were the byproduct of tofu production. I feel sexy wearing beans.

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